Contributor: Jeanelle Nicole Driver
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I can’t focus on the memories, shifting and swirling in an incomprehensible fog. My mind’s eye clouded by worries and doubt. I am a stranger in my own mind. I reach for still frames, snapshots, times when the world looked bright and carefree. Why is it all but lost to me now? Why can’t I break free?
This room is a cage, set up for my own protection…
“Where are you at, Alexis?” my sister said.
Her voice sounded tinny and far away, her touch but a shadow in my thoughts.
“Don’t bother me, Diana,” I said. “It doesn’t matter now.”
I heard her sigh and flop down on the bed.
“Oh, please, not this again.”
I scooted away from her warmth and opened my eyes. She would never understand, could never understand.
“You act like you’re the one suffering,” I said. “Why won’t you leave me in peace?”
She grunted and sat up. Ready to launch into the same tired argument.
“I’d leave you in peace if I could, believe me,” she said. “I have to stay.”
I shoved my feet off the bed and began to pace the small generically furnished hotel room, the white walls and worn bedspreads bringing me no solace. I suppose it was better than the alternative, but I hated it just the same. Nothing felt right anymore.
I became more and more agitated as my footsteps pounded across the room back and forth and back again.
“I don’t need a keeper. I don’t need your pity,” I said balling my hands into tight fists. “Get out of here before I break you too.”
Diana watched me. I could feel her eyes boring into my back. Her feet hit the floor and her arms wrapped around me. I gritted my teeth as she slid her hands down my arms and pried my fingers open. Her head rested like a lead weight on my shoulder.
“None of that,” she said. “I am not letting you go back there.”
I tried to pull away but she held me fast, her grip bruising. This only frustrated me further.
“Damn it, Diana, can’t you see that’s what I want?” I said. I’m no good to anyone like this. I’ve lost myself. No medicine or vigil will bring that back.”
Diana turned me around so fast I couldn’t fight her. I saw her face tight with anger, her eyes shining with tears. I was unmoved.
“I am not giving up,” she said. “I will not break. Mom and Dad can argue about this all they want, but you’re my sister. I will help you if it’s the last thing I do, Alexis.”
I felt tears tracing down my cheeks and I threw my arms around her neck. Clinging to her, the one solid force left in my spinning, chaotic world. I would be lost without her.
“I hope you’re right, Diana,” I said. “But, I think it’s time for my pills.”
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Jeanelle Nicole Driver is a single mom of two kids.
She loves to write and share her stories.
She is working diligently toward a career in Creative Writing.
Read more »
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I can’t focus on the memories, shifting and swirling in an incomprehensible fog. My mind’s eye clouded by worries and doubt. I am a stranger in my own mind. I reach for still frames, snapshots, times when the world looked bright and carefree. Why is it all but lost to me now? Why can’t I break free?
This room is a cage, set up for my own protection…
“Where are you at, Alexis?” my sister said.
Her voice sounded tinny and far away, her touch but a shadow in my thoughts.
“Don’t bother me, Diana,” I said. “It doesn’t matter now.”
I heard her sigh and flop down on the bed.
“Oh, please, not this again.”
I scooted away from her warmth and opened my eyes. She would never understand, could never understand.
“You act like you’re the one suffering,” I said. “Why won’t you leave me in peace?”
She grunted and sat up. Ready to launch into the same tired argument.
“I’d leave you in peace if I could, believe me,” she said. “I have to stay.”
I shoved my feet off the bed and began to pace the small generically furnished hotel room, the white walls and worn bedspreads bringing me no solace. I suppose it was better than the alternative, but I hated it just the same. Nothing felt right anymore.
I became more and more agitated as my footsteps pounded across the room back and forth and back again.
“I don’t need a keeper. I don’t need your pity,” I said balling my hands into tight fists. “Get out of here before I break you too.”
Diana watched me. I could feel her eyes boring into my back. Her feet hit the floor and her arms wrapped around me. I gritted my teeth as she slid her hands down my arms and pried my fingers open. Her head rested like a lead weight on my shoulder.
“None of that,” she said. “I am not letting you go back there.”
I tried to pull away but she held me fast, her grip bruising. This only frustrated me further.
“Damn it, Diana, can’t you see that’s what I want?” I said. I’m no good to anyone like this. I’ve lost myself. No medicine or vigil will bring that back.”
Diana turned me around so fast I couldn’t fight her. I saw her face tight with anger, her eyes shining with tears. I was unmoved.
“I am not giving up,” she said. “I will not break. Mom and Dad can argue about this all they want, but you’re my sister. I will help you if it’s the last thing I do, Alexis.”
I felt tears tracing down my cheeks and I threw my arms around her neck. Clinging to her, the one solid force left in my spinning, chaotic world. I would be lost without her.
“I hope you’re right, Diana,” I said. “But, I think it’s time for my pills.”
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Jeanelle Nicole Driver is a single mom of two kids.
She loves to write and share her stories.
She is working diligently toward a career in Creative Writing.
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Jeanelle Nicole Driver
