Conversations with the Grand Fiend: Issues of Attire

Contributor: Miles Gough

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“You would be amazed with what monsters talk about when they get together,” the Grand Fiend told me over a meal of take-out falafel (for me) and deep fried human fingers (for him). He leaned back, in that typical expansiveness of his, and smiled fangs. “What do you think monsters talk about?”

“I’m not sure, prime hunting grounds, you know, how to get victims.”

“Not by half,” he said with strong slither of dismissal. “Why would they ask about that in this overpopulated world, this is a global fast food proposition. Do you talk to your friend about grocery shopping?”

“Then I suppose they go on about not getting caught by the authorities or at least, from those monster hunters you’ve mentioned.”

“Sir Edward and his ilk? Why bother? Talking about them just enables the little nuisances, best not mention vermin or every where you go, you will swear you are noticing cockroaches underneath every foot fall, for those who have feet. No. I will stop you from going any further. What do monsters talk about? They talk clothing.”

He paused long enough to realize that I had an expected response and filled my part, “Clothing? What do you mean clothing?”

“I mean, that is what they talk about. Vampires go on about adequate dry cleaning. The kind that truly can remove blood stains from good shirts. They exchange business cards of good ones for every city they might be visiting. They mention the excellent, no questions asked locations. There are endless debates over the worth of one hour cleaning or the two days get it right establishments. They can go on endlessly on a side debate about proper reprisals of those dry cleaners who leave stains in. Should they be killed or perhaps just a well worded critique on Yelp. Then another discussion concerns why get the stains out at all, is it to avoid detection or is it but a deep sense of propriety? Vampires are much about aesthetics, too much if you will take my editorial aside.

“Lycanthropes and all the shape shifters have in depth discussions on leaving and creating clothing caches. These might be the most delightful of arguments, it borders on art because there is no good way to seed the world with proper sweat suit hideaways. One were-bear I had the chance of meeting claimed to have created the entire nudist colony movement back in the fifties just to justify his lack of proper dress. I did not believe him, but a what a lovely hour I spent listening to such rot.

“Other popular topics are about biting through types of clothing. Some shape shifters are allergic to the synthetic material in some apparel. Others cannot stand the feel of gortex on their incisors. And everyone loathes down vests with all those feathers fluttering about their crime scenes. It is all about clothing.”

Perhaps I was too entertained with the topic, and I said, “And mummies go on about what medical supply stores have the best gauze bandages.”

The Grand Fiend sniffed dismissively. “Mummies do not stay in their bandages. They leave that thing behind as soon as they are resurrected. Though that does bring up a difficult and all too common discussion; what clothing style should be worn? Is one trapped in an antiquated style or should one go modern dress? The mummies also want to wear those ancient Egyptian toga schmatas that they were so found of back in the hieroglyphic days. Others in the conversation stress that you should consult the latest issue of GQ. Some vampire tribes live for that new couture, while others, those recently unearthed, are stuck in fedoras and starched shirt collars. Wars have started over such schisms. “

“And what’s the answer,” I said. “Who’s right?”

“Neither are completely wrong. I think the skeletal parasite demons have it right when they wear the skin of their victims. It doesn’t matter the style or skin color, it is how you swagger in it. If you believe in yourself and your right to be seen, then you are wearing your environment like a fine beau brommel. You have to feel good in your own skin, whether it is yours or just something you’ve borrowed for a spell. But, it is best to change with the age, to shed your skin for the time. Like this.”

And the Grand Fiend demonstrated how that change should be done.

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