Contributor: Allie Coker-Schwimmer
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Jeremy tried to hatch eggs by sitting on them and keeping them warm. It’s not funny. He did a lot of things like that- he was just an odd kid. Ok, Jeremy was a weirdo. He invented a time machine which really meant he would lock his “friends” in the closet and flick the lights on and off, then when they got out he would hand them a faded rock from the driveway claiming it came from prehistoric times and show them a black and white postcard of the Queen Mary trying to pass it off as a picture he took of the Titanic in 1912. I don’t know if the Titanic was sunk or not by then, but regardless that was always the year he claimed- 1912. Jeremy often pretended he was a dog. He would lay on all fours mimicking a dog’s position while he lapped water from a bowl and scratched invisible fleas. At night he would curl up into a tight circle and drift off to sleep, truly believing he was of the canine world. Except for the time when he was a human marrying a dog. Back on the blacktop at recess, a group of us gathered to be the witness, flower girls, and chorus for his wedding to Wishbone- the ever famous t.v. dog. The wedding procession was set to Christmas carols. It was April. Another one of Jeremy’s favorite activities was making outrageous claims. He told us he would win the Nobel Prize for writing and that he could be an Olympic ice skater one day if he wanted to. He didn’t know how to ice skate very well though. Then again, anyone can win the Nobel Prize I suppose. I could win it for this eulogy for all I know. Jeremy boycotted the rise of all boy bands. He thought they were cheap and that bands should stay female only. Due to this he had very little to converse about with his peers at snack time. He also loved to keep files on everyone. After snatching a copy of Harriet the Spy from his older sister’s bookshelf, he became enthralled with the idea of spying on people and keeping tabs on them. Jeremy loaded a box full of notecards where he listed each classmate’s name and what was good about them and what wasn’t. Much like Harriet, he got caught. Yes, Jeremy was a strange kid. He’d eat lunch in the bathroom or the hallway early in the morning just to avoid the fear of loneliness and rejection from others. He held block parties in his room like they did on the radio where he was the DJ and the only guest aside from his 50 stuffed animals. It’s all true, but it’s not funny because now he’s dead because of you. All of you. He was 20 and because all of the shit you put him through in college and high school and middle school he killed himself. You had to go all the way back to elementary to even find me- his only true friend- to write his eulogy because you all treated him bad. I used to say it back then when people would laugh at him and I’ll say it again now. It’s not funny.
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Currently, I am obtaining my MFA in Creative Writing from Queens University in Charlotte and live with my husband in Durham, NC. I also wrote a book which is due to be released later this year.
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Jeremy tried to hatch eggs by sitting on them and keeping them warm. It’s not funny. He did a lot of things like that- he was just an odd kid. Ok, Jeremy was a weirdo. He invented a time machine which really meant he would lock his “friends” in the closet and flick the lights on and off, then when they got out he would hand them a faded rock from the driveway claiming it came from prehistoric times and show them a black and white postcard of the Queen Mary trying to pass it off as a picture he took of the Titanic in 1912. I don’t know if the Titanic was sunk or not by then, but regardless that was always the year he claimed- 1912. Jeremy often pretended he was a dog. He would lay on all fours mimicking a dog’s position while he lapped water from a bowl and scratched invisible fleas. At night he would curl up into a tight circle and drift off to sleep, truly believing he was of the canine world. Except for the time when he was a human marrying a dog. Back on the blacktop at recess, a group of us gathered to be the witness, flower girls, and chorus for his wedding to Wishbone- the ever famous t.v. dog. The wedding procession was set to Christmas carols. It was April. Another one of Jeremy’s favorite activities was making outrageous claims. He told us he would win the Nobel Prize for writing and that he could be an Olympic ice skater one day if he wanted to. He didn’t know how to ice skate very well though. Then again, anyone can win the Nobel Prize I suppose. I could win it for this eulogy for all I know. Jeremy boycotted the rise of all boy bands. He thought they were cheap and that bands should stay female only. Due to this he had very little to converse about with his peers at snack time. He also loved to keep files on everyone. After snatching a copy of Harriet the Spy from his older sister’s bookshelf, he became enthralled with the idea of spying on people and keeping tabs on them. Jeremy loaded a box full of notecards where he listed each classmate’s name and what was good about them and what wasn’t. Much like Harriet, he got caught. Yes, Jeremy was a strange kid. He’d eat lunch in the bathroom or the hallway early in the morning just to avoid the fear of loneliness and rejection from others. He held block parties in his room like they did on the radio where he was the DJ and the only guest aside from his 50 stuffed animals. It’s all true, but it’s not funny because now he’s dead because of you. All of you. He was 20 and because all of the shit you put him through in college and high school and middle school he killed himself. You had to go all the way back to elementary to even find me- his only true friend- to write his eulogy because you all treated him bad. I used to say it back then when people would laugh at him and I’ll say it again now. It’s not funny.
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Currently, I am obtaining my MFA in Creative Writing from Queens University in Charlotte and live with my husband in Durham, NC. I also wrote a book which is due to be released later this year.
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Author:
Allie Coker-Schwimmer
