Menstruating in Silver Lake

Contributor: Caroline Kepnes

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It was such a mistake to start menstruating at a coffee shop in Silver Lake.Wrong, wrong, wrong. The only thing stupider would be menstruating in Santa Monica because then you'd have to find somewhere to throw stuff away. I should have gone to Hollywood to bleed. People get shot there. It's cool.
This cushy sea-foam green vinyl chair probably costs five grand and nobody else in here started the day with a Midol and a donut at 7-11, except maybe the girl washing dishes in the back. They're all so skinny. Even their skin is skinny. They look hydrated. Yet they're not drinking water. WTF? And the clothes, wow, these people don't just leaf through Lucky Magazine. They mark their favorite products with those freebie post-its and go out and actually buy the red pants.
Naturally, because I'm a day early, Scott Speedman is here—as in Ben from “Felicity”, not Noel. He is so serious, reading a script and listening to music made by musicians who probably grew up going to shows at The Greek and were careful to never get jazzed up about the shows, no matter how good they were. Excitement isn't something you display in Silver Lake. Excitement is for those sad sacks in the Valley.
Meanwhile, the guy who played Noel is probably fist-pumping and stoked in North Hollywood with lots of affable date rapists who prefer Starbucks. The Valley is prime for menstruating: more fat people, less lettuce, bigger trash cans. I would feel fine about bleeding near Noel. He was always so puffy and unsure of himself, nothing like these two self-proclaimed “women in film” (AKA pretend filmmaker and actress who had a line on “90210” three seasons ago) performing conversation for Speedman. They’re not on the rag. No way.
The actress looks too wan to get PMS and watch Beaches and the "filmmaker" looks like she lives in Los Feliz adjacent and over-thought her burgundy lipstick. The actress probably flaked on her last week, which was good timing because last week she was licking her fingers (Cool Ranch Doritos) and reading about Miley Cyrus' relationship. These are not things you can do right before you go to Silver Lake.
New people. Also not menstruating. A slave/nanny in too tight irregular exercise clothes she got at TJ Maxx holds the hand of a four year-old girl with cool accessories. The nanny is in her thirties and you can actually see her giving up on acting/writing/happiness. She looks like she has long heavy periods and knows the words to "Party in the USA" and owns a VHS box set of "Felicity". She speaks: "Claire, combining blueberries and cinnamon might alarm your pallet."
Poor nanny. She is so warped in the head from working and menstruating in Silver Lake that she's actually trying to do a great job cultivating Silver Lake's top export:
These pre-bleeding years matter a lot when it comes to raising superior beings. The nanny is killing it. You can tell by Claire's adultish eyes and non-laughing face and striped socks and penchant for scones that Claire is going to be a solid, dazzling nightmare of a human being one day. Her freshman roommate at Barnard will be on financial aid and eat Lean Cuisines and use Always pads with wings and Claire will make her feel so bad about herself just by looking at her. And you know what Claire's mom will put in the care package with non-toxic tampons and laxatives and satchels of scented flowers and shit?
Bags of coffee from this place, because unfortunately, it really is the best coffee in the world, so Claire will be right when she schools her financial aid receiving roommate. Bitches like Claire are right about a lot, damn it.
The nanny leans in: “Excuse me, I feel so bad, but do you have a tampon?”

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I was born and raised on Cape Cod and pretty much always liked writing stories. I live in Los Angeles and write about TV for Yahoo. My short film "Miles Away" will be premiering at a film festival possibly somewhere near you within the next few months.
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