The Deal Breaker

Contributor: Linda Garnett

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Two exhausted vacuum salesmen walked to the last house in the neighborhood.

A 'Solicitors Welcome' sign hung on the front door.

"Don't you think that's a weird sign, Joe?" said Dave.

Joe rang the doorbell. "Are you kidding me? We've been to at least thirty houses today and we haven't made one sale. I think that's about to change!"

An elderly man wearing sunglasses opened the door. "Hello, boys. What are you selling today?"

"I'm Dave and this is Joe. We have here the new Kilby Supreme Sucker Vacuum. It'll clean up the toughest spills and stains you got, even beer and pizza. Let me show you how this beauty works."

"Sure, come on in! I've had visitors all day and they've left behind a huge mess."

They followed him into the living room and saw large piles of orange goo everywhere on the carpet and around the furniture.

"What the hell is that stuff?" asked Joe.

The man pointed to a pile next to the coffee table. "Well, right over there is Jane, the Avon lady; on the couch is Jake the magazine subscription kid; Mitch from the Church of Satan is by the fireplace, and under the dining room table is Missy, the Tupperware gal."

"What happened to them?" said Dave.

"I hated their sales pitches so I melted them into Orangoobles, my favorite Plutonian snack."

Joe laughed. "Yeah, sure you did."

The elderly man took off his sunglasses and his eyes began to glow. Suddenly, lasers shot out of his eyes.

Joe screamed as he became a pile of goo.

"Go on, show me how this vacuum works. If I like it, I might let you live."

After Dave finished his demonstration, he saw the elderly man's eyes begin to glow.

"That crappy vacuum certainly didn't do anything you promised it would. Looks like you're joining my snack collection."

"Wait, let me show you one more feature," said Dave.

He pushed the Supreme Clean button on the vacuum. The machine let out a roar and swallowed the elderly man.

It made a few chomping noises and then burped.

Dave emptied the vacuum bag into the garbage can.

"And that's how I deal with people who don't like my product demonstrations."

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Linda Garnett is currently editing her first novel, a sci-fi comedy. Her work has appeared in Stories That Lift, New Flesh, Flashes in the Dark, Static Movement, Linguistic Erosion, Weirdyear, and The Short Humour Site.
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