The Gift

Contributor: April Winters

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Judy has pink hair, tattoos, and multiple piercings. She’s always been the family embarrassment, and they’ve never appreciated her uniqueness. There was a time when she tried to conform to their way of thinking, but it gave her migraines.

Her sister, Lisa, said Judy had better learn to be a famous rock star because no one would hire her looking the way she did. Thanks to Judy’s gift for baking mouth-watering desserts, Lisa was wrong. The owner of Bob’s Bakery hired Judy the second he tasted her double-fudge torte.

In your face, Sis!


Two weeks ago Judy got fired.

Her boss didn’t find the humor in the cupcakes she’d decorated as masturbating monkeys. “Oh my God,” he screamed. “Don’t you know these are for a kid’s birthday party? Now what am I going to do?”

Judy looked perplexed. “It’s nothing they wouldn’t see at the zoo, anyway.”

“Look,” Bob said, “I let you skate the last time you pulled a stunt like this. I almost crapped my pants when I saw that unicorn-shaped cake with the condom stretched over its horn. But this … this is…” He looked like a crazy person, eyes wild, face contorted. Then he said, “Enough is enough. Get out! And take your phallic cake pans with you.”

Judy heard through the grapevine that when Lisa found out, she said, “Surprise, surprise.”


Last week Judy received an invitation to Lisa’s bridal shower, due solely to their mother’s insistence.

Yesterday Judy baked a cake in the shape of a nude male torso. Her phallic cake pans came in handy. With their help, she endowed the dessert with a giant penis – just to piss her sister off. When Lisa saw it displayed on the food table, the color drained from her face. She spoke in tongues. The guests heard the commotion and broke into fits of giggles when they saw what the fuss was about. Even Judy knew the only reason she didn’t have Lisa’s hands squeezed around her neck was because the women thought the cake was “awesome” and “devilishly decadent.” They followed the compliments up with orders for their own cakes, all requiring even larger genitalia.

Thrilled and grinning like a fool, Judy glanced at her sister. That’s when she saw Lisa’s clenched fists, the glare on her face and the throbbing vein in her forehead.

Judy wasn’t sure what thrilled her the most.

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April Winters hopes to help people forget their troubles through humor, even if it’s only for a little while. Her other works can be read at The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, Short-Story. Me, The Short Humour Site, and here at Linguistic Erosion.
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