Contributor: Jerry Guarino
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Jerry Guarino’s short stories have been published by dozens of magazines in the United States, Canada, Australia and Great Britain. His latest book, "50 Italian Pastries", is available on Amazon.com and as a Kindle eBook. Please visit his website at http://cafestories.net
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Part
1
- David, a computer science major in college, was completing
the setup of his new bird feeding system. Instead of the usual tree
house, painted with bright colors, he had designed a more elegant
solution. Altruism aside, he wanted to do more than just provide
food for birds in the bad weather; he wanted to see the birds enjoy
their treat while keeping squirrels from squandering the seeds.
So
he set up a trough with three lids, mechanically operated based on a
computer program. The first container had birdseeds and suet, the
second fruit and nuts and the third meat scraps and insects. In
front of the trough was a bar that activated a 13” LCD screen when
the bird landed on it. On the screen was a picture of the three food
types, corresponding to the placement of the trays. The bird would
peck at the screen and a touch sensor would open the appropriate food
tray. If the bird didn’t peck, a camera would snap a picture of
him and open the tray that species of bird prefers. To complete the
environment, video with the sounds of like birds would play from the
LCD.
But
what about the bane of bird feeders, squirrels? The locked trays
prevented them from eating. If a squirrel pressed the landing bar,
the camera would snap a picture of the offender, then play a 3D
video, complete with sounds of foxes, coyotes, hawks, owls and snakes
eating squirrels. The longer the squirrel stayed there, the more
graphic the video progressed. Last but not least, a small spray of
that predator’s scent would shoot onto the squirrel’s leg (don’t
worry, it washed away in the next rain). Needless to say, most
squirrels never returned to the bird feeder.
No
matter where David was, he could enjoy the feeder. A second, wireless
camera sent a signal to the Internet so he could watch from any
computer. He even wrote an app so he could watch the action from his
cell phone. Why all the work to feed birds? David discovered that
this was 100% effective in meeting women, especially when showing it
off at a coffee house or party.
Rube
would have been proud!
Part
2
- David was talking to a particularly cute young woman at his
favorite franchise coffee bar. But let me digress a moment. As you
know, David is that computer science major who used his engineering
skills to design an automatic bird feeder that not only recognized
the bird, but also provided their preferred food and kept squirrels
out with a diabolical program that guaranteed a squirrel would never
return. To be fair, David posted a warning in 300-point font “No
squirrels allowed” with an accompanying 500 hundred-word disclaimer
to avoid any lawsuits that may occur.
Not
that David needed any help getting dates. He had the casual good
looks of a surfer, perfect teeth and a well-proportioned six-foot
frame. Although he was technically a geek, no one would have
guessed; he looked more like a graduate student in literature. But
being the precise, analytical person that he was, the bird feeder
more or less guaranteed a subtle and inoffensive way to have a
conversation with the opposite sex. Coeds would sidle up to him,
looking over his shoulder to the laptop screen with pictures and
sounds of blue jays, robins and nuthatches. Inevitably, they would
start the conversation with a sound usually reserved when seeing
puppies.
“Oh,
that’s so cute. Is that a movie clip?” said the 5’9” brunette
with jeans, ugh boots and crème colored sweater.
David
turned and smiled. “No, it’s a live feed from my place.” Well,
I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that after
about a half hour, the woman was convinced she had found that all too
rare quality in a man, genuine innocence. David never divulged his
methodology to any friends or even family; that might put an end to
his understated masterpiece.
Ninety-four
times out of a hundred (we saw the statistics), the woman would want
to visit the apartment and see for herself, partly to confirm David’s
claim that he designed and built the best bird feeder, but also to
learn more about her new love interest. Since birds feed mostly at
dawn and dusk, David had woman asking to spend time at his home
during sunrises and sunsets, enhancing the romance. But you can’t
just stand next to the feeder; birds won’t come close. No, you
have to view from the second floor of his bedroom, meticulously
cleaned and fresh. New age music and scented candles (unlit for the
moment) completed the ambiance.
“Is
that a blue jay?” said Karen.
“Yes,
you see most of them in April, their mating season” replied David.
“Look,
two more birds. What are they?”
David
looked closely. “Red breasted nuthatches. They travel in small
groups, sometimes in pairs. See how the male preens the female while
she’s eating.” As the sun disappeared over the hilltop, Karen
put her arms around David and kissed him.
Part
3
- Karen put her arms around David and kissed him. “David, I
hear the birds” and she hopped out of bed and went to the window.
David, still waking up, rubbed the sleepers out of his eyes. In
panties and a college t-shirt, her lovely figure silhouetted in the
window frame. Karen was different; she was genuinely happy with him
as he was with her; no games here.
It
wasn’t love at first sight, but it was contentment. “Hi” as he
rubbed her shoulders and kissed her on the neck.
Karen
squeezed his hand. “I think that’s a robin.”
David
looked down at the feeder. “No it’s a Stonechat, but they look
the same.”
David’s
days of short affairs were over. Even though he had manipulated
Karen into his arms, he had found an honest and wonderful
relationship. Over the next few weeks, he realized that Karen was
perfect for him. It seemed like whenever he needed anything, Karen
was there. She knew when he needed to work and when he needed to
relax, what stressed him out and all of his interests. She
understood him completely. Their lives had become complementary,
like puzzle pieces fitting just so. “This must be love,” David
thought. “I guess I won’t be needing the bird-feeding program
anymore.”
Anna
was looking through Karen’s social networking program when she came
in.
“Hey
Anna, you’ll never guess what. David and I are going to a bed and
breakfast up the coast this weekend!”
Anna
looked up smiling. “I knew you two would hit it off. I had a
feeling as soon as I started entering the data.”
Karen
looked over her shoulder. “So who are you looking for?”
Anna
replied, “It says Jeff Olsen would be a good match for me. It’s
printing out his schedule, interests, love history and life goals
now. I can’t believe how well this program of yours works.”
Karen
gave her a little hug. “Well it worked for me.”
Rube
would have been proud!
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Jerry Guarino’s short stories have been published by dozens of magazines in the United States, Canada, Australia and Great Britain. His latest book, "50 Italian Pastries", is available on Amazon.com and as a Kindle eBook. Please visit his website at http://cafestories.net
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Author:
Jerry Guarino