Contributor: Edward T. Keller
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The king sits on his throne, facing us, lost in thought, his chin resting on his fist.
A messenger runs to him from the left. Percy. He has two arrows stuck into his back.
PERCY: My liege, my liege!
With a start the king leaves his reverie and eyes Percy inquiringly.
KING: Speak, gallant Percy
PERCY: The mongo, the mongo...
KING: Wah? Woh?
PERCY: The mongo, the mongo...
KING: Wooh? Weeh?
PERCY: The Mongols are coming!
KING: The Mongols?!
PERCY: Ja, das mongolen shvine!
KING: What do they want?
PERCY: Er, I didn't ask them.
KING: Well go and ask them, you silly person
Percy leaves. The king returns to brooding. Percy returns. He has now seven arrows in his back.
PERCY: My liege, my liege!
KING: Mein liebe, mein liebe!
PERCY: No time for that your majesty - the Mongols want to be paid tribute.
KING: Really?
PERCY: Yes
KING: Well how much do they want?
PERCY: Er, I didn't ask them.
KING: Well go and ask them, you silly person.
Percy leaves. The king shakes his head. Percy returns, now with three spears also sticking out of his stomach and an ax in his skull.
PERCY: My liege! My liege!
KING: Yes, Percy!
PERCY: They want to be paid in... chihuahuas!
KING: Bless you my boy!
PERCY: I did not sneeze, my liege, the Mongols want to be paid in live chihuahuas.
KING: What?! /indignant/ Let me see!
King takes out a small telescope from behind his back, unfolds it and looks into the direction from which Percy keeps coming back.
KING: Wait a minute, these are no Mongols!
PERCY: What are they, sire?
KING: These are de Gaulles. An army of short Charles de Gaulles bred in the underground laboratories of Morocco!
PERCY: But they ride on ponies and wear fur hats, your highness!
KING: That’s just to confuse you, my boy.
The king takes a revolver from his pocket and fires into the direction of the de Gaulles. Once, twice.
As the shots ring out a sleepy third character appears. Unshaven, crumpled, in a dirty T-shirt, holding his aching head, whiskey bottle in hand. Max.
He looks at Percy stuck full of arrows and spears and shrugs.
The king is now without a telescope, and is simply gazing into the direction of the de Gaulle hordes with majestic insolence.
MAX: Hey, what's the rack... hack...hack...blaaaaaaah /vomits/
KING: /looks with contempt at Max/ I say, Max, old boy, are you ...blaaaaaah /vomits/
King and Max look at Percy with expectation. Percy looks back at them uncomprehending.
MAX: Look, you...blaaaaaaah /vomits/
KING: You can't just...blaaaaaaah /vomits/
Percy realizes something.
PERCY: My bleaaaaaaaah /vomits/
MAX: Atta blaaaaaaaa /vomits/
KING: Sacre bleaaaaaah /vomits/
A preacher appears running from the direction from which Max came.
PREACHER: Stop, stop! You have been possessed!
All three possessed look at each other and shrug their shoulders.
Eight men dressed in work overalls, with masks of Charles de Gaulle, appear on the stage. Moving briskly, working in pairs, they pick up all four people and start carrying them away.
A foreman with a general's hat and a notepad in his hand walks over to overlook the procedure.
FOREMAN: You have been re-possessed.
****
ACT TWO
An old lady is sitting on an easy chair, knitting.
A man walks over to her, holding a megaphone to his mouth. He speaks only through the megaphone.
MAN: Mama!
MAMA: Yes?
MAN: Mama!
MAMA: Yes?
MAN: Mama!
MAMA: Yes?
Pause
MAN: Papa?
MAMA: No!
MAN: Papa?
MAMA: No!
MAN: Mama?
MAMA: Yes?
MAN: Papa?
MAMA: No!
Man ponders
MAMA: Stop speaking to me through this thing!
MAN: I can't. It's stuck to my lips.
MAMA: Come here, let me take a look.
MAN: I can't, I'm stuck to the floor.
Mama eyes him with suspicion, then shouts into the other direction.
MAMA: Help, help, I'm being attacked by a crazy person.
MAN: No, mama, I'm not crazy.
MAMA: Help, he is going to saw my head off!
Mama whips out a hand held saw from behind her back and start sawing off her head. After a few seconds she stops with a dying gurgle.
Enter policeman. He comes from the direction into which mama shoute; cautiously, a gun in hand.
COP: You!
MAN: Yes?
COP: You!
MAN: Yes?
COP: Me!
MAN: No!
COP: You?
MAN: Yes?
COP: Me?
MAN: No!
COP: You! You killed her!
MAN: No!
COP: You... killed her!
MAN: No!
COP: You killed... her!
MAN: Perhaps.
Cop looks satisfied, nods head in affirmation.
MAN: Please stop pointing that gun at me.
COP: I can't. It's stuck to my hand.
MAN: Come here, let me take a look.
COP: I can't, I'm stuck to the floor
Man takes two hand held saws from behind his back, throw one to the cop, they both begin sawing circles in the floor around their feet.
A de Gaulle in work overalls rushes to them.
WORKER: Wait, wait, don't... blaaaaaaaaah /vomits/
Another de Gaulle in work overalls rushes to them. He looks at his ill comrade. He admonishes the sawing man and cop.
WORKER 2: Now look what you've...bleaaaaaaaah /vomits/
King and Percy appear and carry off the first worker.
Man and Cop succeed in cutting through the floorboards. They fall through the floor.
WORKER 2: looks surprised/ Say, where did they ...bleaaaaaaaah /vomits/
Man and Cop appear again, with wooden circles still stuck to their feet. Hopping, they get to worker 2 and carry him away as well.
Preacher appears. Standing by the dead mom in the easy chair, he addresses the audience.
PREACHER: Compose yourselves, compose yourselves, my children.
Four de Gaulle workers appear and carry the preacher and the mom away.
Foreman with a general's hat and a notepad in his hand appears. He addresses the audience
FOREMAN: You have been decomposed.
CURTAIN
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Author:
Edward T. Keller
